Rest, relaxation, and crackers

Sorry that it's been a while since I posted. I still have a few entries of Honduras to write about and then talk about some of the lessons that I feel I came away with.

Friday, I woke up sick. The traveler's bug had definitely hit me. On the last full day in Honduras, we always go to the beach (a nice resort) and rest, relax, and reflect on the week. While in your heart you want to go do another distribution, the emotional toll truly does ask for a day of rest. I didn't feel the greatest and ended up eating crackers or granola bars for two days.

The beach was beautiful and we ended up having our driver's son with us (I had requested that he skip school). I ended up for a while with him on the beach drawing in the sand with sticks and creating math problems for him to solve and then having him teach me new Spanish words. His penmanship was gorgeous!

There was also a pier that everyone often jumps off of. A suicide leap of sorts. I walked out on the pier (think old rail road tracks) and sat. The rolling of the water, the wimp that I am when it comes to swimming (I still plug my nose when I go under), and my queasy stomach made for great excuses as to why I didn't jump. Maybe next year...but we'll see. I also need to continue to learn the lesson that just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean I need to.

Friday night we went to a church that is in an airport hanger in San Pedro Sula. To say it was large is an understatement. However, to worship the same God with them as they spoke in another language was great! Tough, but great! I wish I knew what they had been singing and what the pastor was preaching. One action that was definitely different is that every now and again, a horn would go off. I guess someone really wanted to say an Amen and they did so with a car horn (or air horn - not sure which...but it definitely caught me off guard).

Please know that as I was sitting there, knowing we were flying home the next day, thoughts continued to plague my mind. I read Crazy Love last year by Francis Chan and one comment about safety continues to stand out in my mind. He wrote about how we always pray for safety, but shouldn't we pray that God's glory be revealed? If something were to happen, could God's glory be revealed more that way than by having a safe trip? In my mind, there was no greater way for God's glory to be revealed than for us to do our work there and then have Him take us home (heaven) on our way to our earthly homes. That is what was going on in my mind as I wrote this...

I thank you in advance for the gift of life. Let me say thank you every that you give it to me.

I'll come back to that thought in another post...

Thinking before the trip

I journaled while I was in Honduras. I am starting to post my thinking, but am also going to be visiting my dad and won't have access to the Internet (at least fast Internet).

Background info - Cried every day from Wednesday to Wednesday...Thursday was the first day I could talk about leaving without crying.

Thursday - 7/8 - Driving home from the theatre tonight, I felt the peace. Today was the first day I could talk about leaving without crying. Anytime I began to cry, I said out loud, "In the name of Jesus, NO!" There is power in His Name. I pray I keep seeing it. A great friend told me I may not feel strong, but Christ's strength is in me. I can do this. I can step out of the way and I can let God show me Him. Let me rest in you Father!

Friday - 7/9 - 24 hours. I equate the feeling right now with the night before a race. Anticipation, nervousness, the double and triple checking bags. I'm ready for more of your presence Father. I'm ready to let you be what I draw to for strength. I need you to prove to me that you can be my Protector. I need you to show me that You can take care of me. I believe.

Saturday - 7/10 The day...As we drove into the parking lot, my friends K and M came to give me a small encouraging send off...it was so appreciated.

I Got Married!!!

Okay, not really...but kind of.

I went to a nearby town today to pick up a friend from the airport. It worked out that I had the afternoon open and she needed a ride and it would be a great opportunity to catch up since she had moved away.

I stopped at Target for last minute necessary items for Honduras. Noticing that my gas gauge was a little on the low side, I stopped to get gas nearby before heading to a friend's apartment to hang out until my friend's flight got in. I grabbed the ATM card (sorry Dave) and my phone to let my friend know that the flight had gotten in earlier and wouldn't be able to stop and hang out with her, shut my door, and headed to the gas pump. And then I heard it...ding ding ding...honk. Click went the automatic door locks. Normally, this is not a problem, but when you leave your keys in the ignition...it is.

Okay...no keys, no purse, insurance card with information to call emergency roadside assistance is in my glove compartment, and I don't have the number for my insurance agent. Hmmm...what's a girl to do?

I walked into the gas station and said, "I pray that there are angels who can help me unlock my keys from my car."

I could not have been in a better location. Across the road was car dealer upon car dealer. Along came John - a man who worked for Kelley Automotive Services. He told me he would go over and get a slim jim and try to unlock the car. Apparently a locksmith won't unlock your car unless you have proof of registration (um, glove compartment).

My friend, who I was going to visit, graciously went and picked up my friend from the airport and was going to head then over to the gas station to keep me company. She had found my insurance agent's phone number for me and I called (Friday at 4:57 p.m.). Thankfully, he answered and while I was getting information to see if my emergency roadside assistance (again the number was in my glove compartment) covered lock outs, John was on his phone calling Triple A. He stated that his wife had locked her keys in her car and could they come and unlock it...what a dear man!

He had to run some errands (he had taken the day off to buy food for a catering event tomorrow and also happened to work at this gas station part-time - What are the chances?) and left his ID and Triple A card with me as well as his cell phone. I was to call him when they got there and he'd come back.

Side note - I looked at his ID and he was from Ohio...the thought did cross my mind that he was making all of this stuff up. Turned out he lived right over the state border and it was a closer drive for him to get to the town than for me. Whew...now back to my adventure!

About twenty minutes later, Triple A showed up and within five minutes I was in! My friends had shown up in the meantime and we all had a great laugh! John left and I left him a small thank you at the gas station and told him I would pay it forward. Apparently at one point in his life, he had had a flat tire on a busy interstate on a Friday night and had had a broken arm. It took him three hours to change it and not one person had stopped to help. He decided then and there he would help anyone who needed it.

I am so thankful for John's generosity tonight. I am even more thankful that as my trip to Honduras approaches (less than 24 hours), God once again showed me His provision. Tomorrow He gets to show me how He protects me, no matter what.

I won't be blogging while I am gone, but am planning on journaling and blogging that when I get back as well as posting pictures and video.

Please pray that God's glory be shown...that I step out of the way and let Him shine. Pray that the Spirit leads what we say, do, and how we act towards others. I think that right now one of the hardest things for me is to imagine what it's going to be like. I am a planner by nature and having never been out of the country, I have no idea what to expect. I have no schema. It's kind of scary. However, my God is the same here as He is there and thanks to a special friend who reminded me of that, I am excited to praise Him there!

Excited to share with you afterwards, reader.

Waterworks

If crying burned enough calories to lose weight, I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Not going to lie. It's still tough. I've found some great verses and have had some amazing friends step in and pray with me and text me encouraging bits.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in facing fears. I know we all have them. It'd just nice to know that someone is facing the fear right along with me and I wouldn't feel like the only one who is taking such large leaps. I know there are a few other on the trip that are a little apprehensive like I am (is little the right word?). I will be journaling as I am on my trip and then blogging those entries when I get back.

Again, a huge thanks to my friends who are standing beside me as I take one small step each day towards living a life of no fear.

Timing

Today's counseling session was Rough. Not just rough little r, but big r. I was fine, until I talked about how my mom will drop me off and then leave me (it brought up a little separation anxiety - remembering those days of college when she walked off into the distance and I was ALONE on campus without a soul in the world - DRAMA). I ended up crying harder than I probably ever have (and with my counselor - bless her dearly). She made sure I was okay and that I was going to be okay for the rest of evening (not go home and cry every other tear I could create).

I ended up rollerblading with my friend (we had just set it up that day at lunchtime) and we talked. As we ended our rollerblading counseling session (love ya K), another friend ran by and ended up coming and talking with me. It was great to catch up with her and hear about her life right now.

I was then going to try and meet a friend to work on some Spanish and instead of having coffee, I decided just to swing by her house. I returned a phone call (I had just blogged about this dear friend the other day - got a new recipe to try - woo hoo) and drove over. Sat with my friend and her family and practiced Spanish.

Ran to the grocery - made some guacamole, black beans, corn, and tomato dish and am finally eating dinner at 9:45.

I am thankful today that God FAITHFULLY provided at every turn of the way today. He knew I would need it more than those people knew!

So, to those of you who I sat, talked, cried, chatted, and laughed with tonight...THANK YOU!

What I focus on...

In class, when we learn something new, it seems to come up over and over. For example, when one of the girls taught us the word shrug...we saw it everywhere! A boy taught us sigh and we found it everywhere. We talked about and noticed the magic of three and it was used all over the books we read.

Translate to my fears of flying...I'm a little on the apprehensive side (mostly because I have no experience) and so as a result of this, I see it wherever I go. I just need to take a breath and relax.

Does that ever happen to you?

Truth coming together...

It's not a secret that I've been attending counseling for the past month to help with my fear of flying. My session on Thursday was tough. Emotionally draining, but good. Because after that, God has gently been showing me scripture over and over. I'd like to share it with you and celebrate His goodness.

In my daily reading (for my 10 for 2010 - read through the Bible in a year - started last August), I came upon this passage - ³I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. ⁴My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, ⁵so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power. - 1 Cor 2:3-5. These verses spoke to me because I am weak. I do have fear. And yes, trembling is a slight action that my insides do when I think about buckling in. However, I am excited that the Spirit's power will be what I rest on...not my own wisdom.

A friend posted on her facebook status this verse - "So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 16:13 Yeah, not much to say about that one, but hope is what I want, crave, and desire deeply.

Then as I was reading in a book (intentionally shutting off the tv and reading) about insecurity (Go Beth Moore!), came upon a few verses from Psalm 139. I've read this psalm before several times, but today the words spoke in a new way. I normally read the NIV, but Beth had used the NLT and verse three stuck out like a sore thumb.

1O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

My God sees me. My God knows me. My God loves me. It's enough today. It's more than enough. I rest in the shadow of His wings...I rest.

Spilling my guts

For those new readers, you're about to get a gutful (I know it's not a word). This summer I am going overseas (for the first time) to Honduras for a week long mission trip. Let's see...what am I anxious about? Let's list them.

• flying
• heat
• humidity
• flying
• no air conditioning and traveling
• flying
• did I mention the flying?

To help with this, I have been visiting my counselor (saw her years ago when I went through natural weight loss to better my insides) and it's been helpful. However, tonight was tough. I went through so many Kleenexes that as I left the building and looked at my puffy eyes in the rearview mirror (wasn't driving yet), I noticed white bits left behind. Wow...that's a bunch of crying! In fact, I was so cried out I had no appetite and was emotionally exhausted.

Through tonight's session, we left with another possibility. Maybe my fear of flying isn't as big as my fear of appearing weak? Ever since I was young, crying was a sign of weakness. Missing my mom on the weekends while visiting my dad was weak. Showing vulnerability and talking about my emotions was met with a "get over it".

It's an interesting thought. I've always cared what people thought about me. In fact, I've cared too much. I'm reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity and also just began The Forgotten God by Francis Chan which is about the Holy Spirit.

I'll let you know how it plays out.

One step at a time...

Saturday was supposed to be a meeting, lunch, and then work together to fill the trucks with the things we are taking to Honduras in July. (Sidenote...I'm baring my soul today.) I cried during the meeting, I cried during lunch, and stressed myself out during the sorting of clothes. Most of the people were leaving (from my town), but another group of people were staying to help finish it up. The clothes were never-ending!!! We sorted, folded, and sorted into boxes to help us better give when we visit the villages. I was stressing out because I had a summer roommate moving in on Monday, tons of school work to do, grading, planning, my sister had come into town unexpectedly and I was having dinner and a movie with a friend Saturday night (plus clean my house on top of it all).

I wanted to leave. My brain was telling me that they would finish up without me just fine. Yet, looking at the others who were there, I knew I couldn't leave. What did I have at home? Dinner could wait. Cleaning could wait. The movie could wait. I chose to stay through it and I'm glad I did.

A lady at church told me that Satan is going to begin to attack me for going on this trip. My fear is holding me back from flying and serving overseas. The only mission trips I go on have to be within driving distance.

Background knowledge - a few years ago I went through a physical transformation and removed weight from my body (naturally) and underwent counseling to make my outer and inner being healthy at the same time.

I called my counselor again today. I even cried as I was setting up my appointment. It's ridiculous. I hate being gripped by this fear. I hate crying over it. I hate giving Satan a foothold.

I am taking one small step forward...

BTW, if you are interested in helping me fill my second suitcase with giveaway items, please let me know. Some of you (who I know personally) will be receiving letters asking for prayer and if you want to fill my suitcase, but my financial support has already been taken care of (wooh hoo, go Dave Ramsey!)