What I focus on...

In class, when we learn something new, it seems to come up over and over. For example, when one of the girls taught us the word shrug...we saw it everywhere! A boy taught us sigh and we found it everywhere. We talked about and noticed the magic of three and it was used all over the books we read.

Translate to my fears of flying...I'm a little on the apprehensive side (mostly because I have no experience) and so as a result of this, I see it wherever I go. I just need to take a breath and relax.

Does that ever happen to you?

Truth coming together...

It's not a secret that I've been attending counseling for the past month to help with my fear of flying. My session on Thursday was tough. Emotionally draining, but good. Because after that, God has gently been showing me scripture over and over. I'd like to share it with you and celebrate His goodness.

In my daily reading (for my 10 for 2010 - read through the Bible in a year - started last August), I came upon this passage - ³I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. ⁴My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, ⁵so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power. - 1 Cor 2:3-5. These verses spoke to me because I am weak. I do have fear. And yes, trembling is a slight action that my insides do when I think about buckling in. However, I am excited that the Spirit's power will be what I rest on...not my own wisdom.

A friend posted on her facebook status this verse - "So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 16:13 Yeah, not much to say about that one, but hope is what I want, crave, and desire deeply.

Then as I was reading in a book (intentionally shutting off the tv and reading) about insecurity (Go Beth Moore!), came upon a few verses from Psalm 139. I've read this psalm before several times, but today the words spoke in a new way. I normally read the NIV, but Beth had used the NLT and verse three stuck out like a sore thumb.

1O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

My God sees me. My God knows me. My God loves me. It's enough today. It's more than enough. I rest in the shadow of His wings...I rest.

Spilling my guts

For those new readers, you're about to get a gutful (I know it's not a word). This summer I am going overseas (for the first time) to Honduras for a week long mission trip. Let's see...what am I anxious about? Let's list them.

• flying
• heat
• humidity
• flying
• no air conditioning and traveling
• flying
• did I mention the flying?

To help with this, I have been visiting my counselor (saw her years ago when I went through natural weight loss to better my insides) and it's been helpful. However, tonight was tough. I went through so many Kleenexes that as I left the building and looked at my puffy eyes in the rearview mirror (wasn't driving yet), I noticed white bits left behind. Wow...that's a bunch of crying! In fact, I was so cried out I had no appetite and was emotionally exhausted.

Through tonight's session, we left with another possibility. Maybe my fear of flying isn't as big as my fear of appearing weak? Ever since I was young, crying was a sign of weakness. Missing my mom on the weekends while visiting my dad was weak. Showing vulnerability and talking about my emotions was met with a "get over it".

It's an interesting thought. I've always cared what people thought about me. In fact, I've cared too much. I'm reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity and also just began The Forgotten God by Francis Chan which is about the Holy Spirit.

I'll let you know how it plays out.

Fit not Fat

Over the past few days, my brain is working out some truth and lies. I watch The Hills (one of my reality shows I watch) and I listened to Heidi as she asked her mom if she looked good after undergoing ten or more plastic surgeries at once. It made my heart break! Even after "becoming Barbie" physically, she still has to look to others to see if physical appearance is good enough.

Tonight I was at the Y and while I popped into the women's locker room, I almost (almost) walked over to weigh myself. I chose not to. While I was trying to read through the magazine as I was huffing and puffing through another cardio session (I had run earlier with a co-worker at the school track). One of the girls that I know made the comment about how she wanted a bikini body like the ladies on the cover. I told her I just want to be fit.

The more I think about it, the bigger my desire is not to be skinny, but to be fit, to see the muscle definition, to know I can run, to be active, to fit in the clothes that I currently have, to feel powerful. I'm not a number from a scale. I'm not a number from my pants. I'm not the letter that's on my shirt. I'm Cathy. And I'm becoming comfortable in the skin that I have...

The choices that I make in my life physically and with food need to reflect the desire to be fit, not thin.

Take one step

When I first got out of college, I subbed and ended up taking a maternity leave for a computer class. I loved it and made many new relationships (some I am still in touch with). I was young and ended up making a mistake. I made a comment to a student and ended up following through with it. Now, before you go off the deep end, I told her that I wouldn't talk to her for one class if she didn't bring me cookies. Again, you had to have been at the track meet and know that I had already established a relationship with her (joking and all). It was meant as a joke...but when I didn't talk with her for the beginning of the class period (which I think was only 20 minutes), but regardless it wasn't professional. Turns out she didn't have certain projects in which hurt her grade which hurt midterms which kicked her off of the track team for a period of time. I ended up with a vicious phone call from her mother and she has forever been etched in my mind.

I've seen her over the past nine years and I get a pang in my stomach every time I see her. Lately, I see her all of the time at the Y. I pass her on the treadmill while I walk the track. I just want to walk up and officially apologize to her.

Yesterday I talked with my friend (during an amazing run) about how I am tempted to move out of the country just so I can depend on God. Well, today I did something about it. I prayed and walked right up to her as bold as I possibly could. I explained who I was (she already knew), I apologized (she accepted it), and we caught up on where she is in life. She then mentioned how she had known who I was and wondered if I had remembered who she was (how could I not?).

It was great to let go of this regret that I had as a younger teacher. It was great to step up and not care about my image, but to do the right thing. It was great to trust God for those steps.

I am currently reading through Beth Moore's new book about insecurity. I'm excited to step forward in faith and trust God for how He sees me and not others.