Fit not Fat

Over the past few days, my brain is working out some truth and lies. I watch The Hills (one of my reality shows I watch) and I listened to Heidi as she asked her mom if she looked good after undergoing ten or more plastic surgeries at once. It made my heart break! Even after "becoming Barbie" physically, she still has to look to others to see if physical appearance is good enough.

Tonight I was at the Y and while I popped into the women's locker room, I almost (almost) walked over to weigh myself. I chose not to. While I was trying to read through the magazine as I was huffing and puffing through another cardio session (I had run earlier with a co-worker at the school track). One of the girls that I know made the comment about how she wanted a bikini body like the ladies on the cover. I told her I just want to be fit.

The more I think about it, the bigger my desire is not to be skinny, but to be fit, to see the muscle definition, to know I can run, to be active, to fit in the clothes that I currently have, to feel powerful. I'm not a number from a scale. I'm not a number from my pants. I'm not the letter that's on my shirt. I'm Cathy. And I'm becoming comfortable in the skin that I have...

The choices that I make in my life physically and with food need to reflect the desire to be fit, not thin.

Take one step

When I first got out of college, I subbed and ended up taking a maternity leave for a computer class. I loved it and made many new relationships (some I am still in touch with). I was young and ended up making a mistake. I made a comment to a student and ended up following through with it. Now, before you go off the deep end, I told her that I wouldn't talk to her for one class if she didn't bring me cookies. Again, you had to have been at the track meet and know that I had already established a relationship with her (joking and all). It was meant as a joke...but when I didn't talk with her for the beginning of the class period (which I think was only 20 minutes), but regardless it wasn't professional. Turns out she didn't have certain projects in which hurt her grade which hurt midterms which kicked her off of the track team for a period of time. I ended up with a vicious phone call from her mother and she has forever been etched in my mind.

I've seen her over the past nine years and I get a pang in my stomach every time I see her. Lately, I see her all of the time at the Y. I pass her on the treadmill while I walk the track. I just want to walk up and officially apologize to her.

Yesterday I talked with my friend (during an amazing run) about how I am tempted to move out of the country just so I can depend on God. Well, today I did something about it. I prayed and walked right up to her as bold as I possibly could. I explained who I was (she already knew), I apologized (she accepted it), and we caught up on where she is in life. She then mentioned how she had known who I was and wondered if I had remembered who she was (how could I not?).

It was great to let go of this regret that I had as a younger teacher. It was great to step up and not care about my image, but to do the right thing. It was great to trust God for those steps.

I am currently reading through Beth Moore's new book about insecurity. I'm excited to step forward in faith and trust God for how He sees me and not others.

Waiting and here it is...

Oh, my students were on today...

While we were working on a small project (circling missed problems in math), my quirky one was sitting in the bucket with pillows. I know...sitting in the bucket...you've got to see it to believe it. The kids love it. Someone his pencil had fallen in between his abdomen and lap and as he bent to get the gumption to stand up, there was a snap. He was shocked. His stomach had just snapped his pencil in half. I waited...and then he began exclaiming how tough his stomach is. He told three different students in the process of three minutes. "I guess my stomach is pretty tough." It is dear one...it is.

During our sharing circle we were sharing how we had connected to our characters in our books. I shared how inferring character traits can help us feel connected to the characters. I had read Julius, Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes. I shared how I used to hate my baby sister and how I had been jealous of her. One of my girls (who's too smart for her own good) told me she knew how the class could make me jealous.

"Really? How?"

"By everyone in the class having Dove dark chocolate. That'd be tempting, wouldn't it?"

And as I'm writing down this quick conversation, students notice that I am writing and once again, they know the drill...I'm spying.

During a read aloud I decided to read some informational text to boost my students' background knowledge. I had been reading from a book about Rocks. We had begun reading about precious stones and my quirky one lets us know that you can make diamonds out of dead people. While students groan, another one of my boys (who can be a Jekyll and Hyde) replies in a perfect tone, "That's gross and that's off topic." I couldn't have said it better myself kid!

At least they keep me laughing!

They got me...

Today I visited my old students and listened to their presentations. I learned that kangaroos are in the WWF. However, his brother (who's currently in my class and also came down to listen) helped him and explained that kangaroos don't fight in the WWF, they are in cages. Ah...I get the connection - cages and fighting and WWF and MMA...it all makes so much sense.

Did you know that coyotes are in Canada, Mexico, Arizona, and Los Angeles? I had to stifle my giggle as another boy shared the location of his animal that he had researched. Just to make sure, I had him repeat himself...yep, the only city mentioned was LA...everything else was a country or a state.

I've had some neck pain...slept wrong I think. I've taken a few pain pills to help me out with the pain...couldn't sleep the other night due to the pain. I don't think I've heard things as clearly. We were talking about Despereaux and some of the other characters and one of my students said, "Botticelli." I could have sworn she said "A pot of chili." I asked her to repeat herself and she did and then I explained what I thought I heard her say. We all got a great laugh about it and then she said, "Will you excuse me?" She left our meeting area to go write down what I had said in her notebook (and as she did, a wonderful, evil laugh came out). I guess the tables have turned. At least they are learning about being writers in practical ways. I just never knew I'd be the one giving them ammunition.

Deep Thinking

Driving allows me to think. Today I had to slow down because there was an oncoming bus and a semi a few cars ahead of me. As the bus finally went by, we were slow moving for a bit. The guy behind me was not happy. I could tell by his constant weaving in and out to see if he could pass. Finally, at the upcoming intersection, there was a car that was turning left and a car turning right. I couldn't pass. I just slowed down and waited. The guy behind me was not happy. He zipped past me and began passing cars.

I began to see the similarities between this speed demon and myself. In life, there are going to be times that I have to slow down. There are times where I can keep going, but may have to stop for a bit to allow others to go where they need to. There are times where I am the speed demon - impatient, frustrated and trying to get around others to get where I think I should be. There are times when I take matters into my own hands and speed through rather than taking the route and time that was predetermined.

God, I'm listening. I won't try and pass You again. I'll drive along, on my cruise control, and enjoy the drive.

New Adventures

I created a compost bin...out of a trash can, bungee cord, and window screen. And I didn't forget the duct tape.

I am planning on creating pretzel coated chicken nuggets with honey mustard sauce tomorrow night. Yum! Anyone want to come for dinner?

Oh, the sarcasm...

Today was rough...but the class did provide a few funnies.

I didn't pay attention to one of my student's shirts and paid for it later. While I was reading Tale of Despereaux to the class, one of my boys began giggling. I was irritated. I already had talked with four other boys about their behavior and was frustrated with their lack of poetry creation in writing workshop. I had had it. I asked him what was so funny and then waited. He was the only students who had been laughing. The boys had been discussing soap while I had talked with another teacher in the doorway. What's the connection? Here goes...

The boy squirmed in his seat on the bench and finally coughed up the reason for his giggles. He said, "I was farting." Oh...

The soap connection? One of the boys was wearing a shirt with a duck on it who had eaten soap and was emitting bubbles. That's why the boys had been talking about soap. The conversation had turned to flatulence.

One of my girls then told me that their parents should buy their children soap for Christmas. My sarcastic comment that I always make when they play around with things that normally aren't toys...overhead projectors, pencils, paper, etc. Oh dear class, you all made me laugh today!

10 for 10 Update

This year, I am trying something new. I have 10 goals. And some of you will get to help me with them (my running friends)! This will also help me become intentional, I believe.

1. Read three professional books

• Daily Five by The Sisters (as they are known)
• CAFE book (by same authors as above)
• Boy Writers by Ralph Fletcher

2. Run 5 5K's

• Due to tendonitis, I am in a boot and will be walking one this morning (I think it still counts, right?) - Did it in about 45 minutes

3. Run a sub 30 5K
4. Pay off debt to dad (and thus, be debt free except my mortgage)

• uh, yeah, I'm debt free!!!!!!!!!!

5. Go to Honduras on a mission trip (scared of flying)

• Have my passport now and will pay my first installment tomorrow
• Have paid half of the trip

6. Clean off all of the clothes off my floor and have them put away
7. See a movie by myself

• Saw Date Night...parts were definitely funny, others a little uncomfortable. I do enjoy Steve Carell though.

8. Give blood 4 times (one down and three to go)

• Signed up for my second one - it's sponsored by CW25 for The Vampire Diaries - I'll let you know how that turns out :)
• Have given twice and will only be able to give one more due to traveling to Honduras in July.
• Have A+ blood...maybe that's why I am so smart! :)

9. Write my compassion children three times each this year

• wrote each one once so far

10. Finish reading whole Bible (on track to finish mid-July)

• About two more weeks and then the OT is finished! On to the NT...excited!
• Reading the NT right now - in the gospels

Info galore

After writing for 31 days straight, I took a break. I'm back...kind of.

Things on my mind tonight:

• I am officially finished with the Old Testament. I finished it this morning and will begin the New Testament tomorrow morning. I think this will go slower than the old, only because sometimes I feel like I identify more with it.
• I am fighting for my little guy tonight. I am praising God that I am single tonight because I had the time to stay and work with him. We take a math test in four days and I'm excited to see if this helps...
• I changed my light bulbs over and did the whatever swirly lights. I went with the sales guy's advice and chose the daylight bulbs...not sure what I think of them yet. I like it in the dining room and especially the kitchen, but I'm not so sure yet about them...they're really bright and on the harsh side. Maybe I just need time.
• I'm stressed about something and a friend told me I can't worry about it. So, I'm going to try not to - easier said than done. It'll be a daily battle and surrender, but if you consider yourself someone who prays, please just pray that I would surrender and be willing if needed. I'll fill you in in a few weeks or months, depending on when I find out.

Spouting Off

I'm irritated. Mostly, I'm irritated with myself. And before I go any further, if you are a male and happen to read this, I apologize now for TMI.

I'm irritated with my body. I know I haven't honored it with my food and while my exercise hasn't been what I would have wanted, I tried to do what I could. I tried on some capris today and I'm frustrated with my body because everything seems so tight and it shouldn't be. I'm also probably a little bloated (thanks to being a woman) and probably a little over-emotional right now. I ended up buying only one pair of capris that are a size bigger than some of the jeans that I bought a few months ago.

So, what shall I do??? Well, remember that I have to take one day at a time. I know I need to eat to live and not live to eat. I know that I need to exercise and not be obsessive about it. I know that I need to eat more slowly and show some self-control, which I am not sure how to get again. And while my close friends may question me, I think I am going to start writing down my food again for a month or so and see how I do.

My ultimate goal is to be fit and happy with my body and right now I don't like what I see for the most part. Chalk it up to hormones or lack of eating right or lack of working out the way I like to...but something needs to change.

I always said this was a blog that showed my journey - every part of my life, the good, the bad, and the irritating. Thanks for going on it with me.

Weird

It seems weird to not post a slice of life today. I looked throughout the day today and found many, but I have to say, the thing that I was most excited about today was walking out to my car after our after-school club that I chair and drove home.

It's Spring Break...and I'm excited to sleep in tomorrow!!!