Becoming...Stupid...

I don't consider myself to be dumb or stupid. I can speak to most people, carry a conversation, and am a literate person who reads a variety of genres. So, why do I sound so stupid on the phone when I talk with him? I hate it! It's like my mind just is dumbfounded and I can't get out the thoughts that I want...I get tongue-tied and feel so incredibly stupid. Why he still talks with me is a mystery...not entirely, I'm sure. And to those of you who know me...I have a date! I'm excited. I pray a lot more these days, for myself, for him, for peace. I don't have a lot of dating experience, so I am trying to not pressure him, put expectations on him, or in general, just scare him off. So any dating advice (serious...Troy), I'll take it. The advice I know right now is...be myself (doing), have fun (doing), and don't worry till you have to (not doing). So...give me advice and I'll let you know how the date goes...btw, it'll be another week, but that's okay. More time to get to know him before.

Becoming Updates...

Okay, so as the quite moments of the girls writing letters to themselves ended, we settled in for a peaceful night, right? WRONG, SO WRONG. The girls were playing around and ended up blowing the pilot out on the gas fireplace...which I didn't know how to restart. I called the family and felt horrible. After a few failed attempts I ended up getting it relit, but not without images of carbon monoxide poisoning throughout the night. Two...I slept HORRIBLE! I'm going on a few restless hours on the floor...How did I end up on the floor? Isn't that where they are supposed to sleep and I get a couch? Oh well..I'll take a nap this afternoon.

Three...an update on the risk. And most people have figured it out. I've been communicating with a guy and just getting to know him. It's been fun and I truly enjoy the "chats" that we've had. However, I feel like I am trading one obsession (food and exercise) for another (does he like me and still want to get to know me). I find myself checking my e-mail more than I should...just waiting for him to send me an e-mail.

Say what you want, but I have never (that I can remember) had a guy that really and truly pursued ME for the purpose of getting to know ME...that there was something about ME that drew him in. Granted, if I am ever in a serious relationship I will be able to give a man my whole heart knowing that I haven't been through a lot of relationships and carrying the baggage that comes with them. blah blah blah.

But where my mind goes when I don't receive the e-mail are my fears. That I've finally said something that caused him to stop wanting to communicate, that we're not compatible, that I'm not enough or I'm too much (I need to reread my Captivating book). I found myself laying awake a lot last night and just praying: for me, for him, for life in general. I know that God can work through anything and that no matter what happens, God is good. My circumstances do not cause that truth to change...but just once, I'd love for the goodness of God to happen to me in a relationship (I know...I have many people who love me, but just once...can't a guy see there's more?)

To those of you who just read this, thanks for jumping into the heart of me...there are days that I wish I would have created a more anonymous blog...but I guess there's beauty in being honest and real, right?

The Sounds and Sights...

The door slides open. The light shatters the darkness. The cover slides off and 7 girls, laughing and shrieking, enter the hot tub. The steam rises, creating a mist of wonderment and awe. The pinging of ice pellets can be heard through the open glass windows.

A night of fellowship is to occur. So many conversations spoken...laughter fills the room.

One by one, we exit...gather around the fireplace and couch...no words are spoken, just waiting...radio turned on...a booming voice fills the room. Silence falls over the girls (except for the ever-present high school texting), a message about finding your identity in God rather than the mirror and the scale is spoken...Comments made and paper passed out.

Girls scattered throughout the house, music playing, pens flying as they write their letters to themselves for the next year are being created.

A night filled with silent thoughts to be read in a year...

Thinking on Thursday

Reflecting on life in general and through my day...

I'm sitting here in my house...waiting for the snow storm, well, the ice storm. I gave out my Christmas presents today to the kids. I made cocoa mix and then created conversation starters that they can discuss with their parents. Cheesy, yes, but hopefully appreciative. It was so sweet when one of my boys was looking through it today and then asked me one of the questions. It was fun to reflect with him for just a small moment.

Which leads me to my next thought. I need to seriously watch my tone. I know I've been more on the short side with some of the students and that's not fair to them. I know that when I have other adults in my room, I speak in a more gentle voice...I should probably post a picture of someone on my wall and then I can pretend they're in the room...Try explaining that to the kids.

One of my boys told me that his mom took his dad to the power cracker. Yep, the chiropractor.

Lesson learned today...don't give the kids 101 joke books if you don't want to hear them for the next 20 minutes...Wow, I didn't know there were so many stupid jokes out there!

Speaking of jokes, what do you call 40 guys watching the Superbowl? The Detroit Lions...lol. Sorry if you're a Lions fan.

In other broad subjects, I've been reading a book entitled, Life in the Thin Cage (I think that's the title). My friends have been great. They let me know they care and are concerned over some of the behaviors they see in my life. I also appreciate the fact that they let me talk things out with them. The book is really good so far and I'm excited about diving into it more. Plus, I always read more over break...Twilight series, here I come!

I also took a risk with something else in my life and so far, it's going well...Not going to say much more on that. But...it brings a smile to my face.

Frustrating Friday

Could it have been any worse? Yes...but thankfully, Friday's over. It started out well. I met with several of our special education professionals and the principal to create what needs to happen when we refer students for testing. I went back to the class, and it began. If you teach, you'll understand coming in halfway through the day and trying to figure out what's going on. Thankfully, all of the kids were in one area listening to a book. After lunch, the floodgates opened up. I had a student leave halfway through an assignment, one girl I had to catch up from several days out and one student out for the third day in a row. Then after gym, I had two boys very upset and crying. Oh...back that up, before gym, I had a boy who was upset and had tears in his eyes over the fact that he is not happy with the choices he is making in his life right now. Fast forward...after trying to explain a rubric and console two boys who are still crying pretty hard, another boy begins to cry. Ai yi yi. Then, our Title One coordinator comes in and springs on me that I'll have not two, but THREE groups pulled after Christmas break. It was challenging having two groups pulled and trying not to have direct reading and writing instruction in there...but now three??? (You're talking 90 total minutes.) I began crying and my principal walked in right then and there...Hopefully, we'll create some sort of creative solution for managing three groups in and out.

If any of you teach in a Title I school...can you let me know kind of what your schedule looks like...how many people you have employed that work with students and the amount of time they work with them and what that looks like??? I'd greatly appreciate it!!!

No mundane Monday here

The comment made..."I'm a reverse vampire." Yep...you are!



Same boy later apologized to me because as he put it..."I'm sorry...there's snot on my Accelerated Math."


We were having Fun Feet Friday and one of my boys told me he had his to do list with him...yep, typical boy! Yes, these two feet were the same! He has the feeling of ennui when he matches!

Becoming...obsessed

How horrible is this? My mom called me tonight to go over with me the menu for Christmas with her husband's side. Wow...I think I have taken this food thing too far when my mom isn't sure what I'll eat at a family get together. I keep telling myself 10 more pounds and I really think that in ten I'm done. I'll have lost almost 60 pounds then and will be at a "healthy" weight. I've come so far...I just don't know where to go with it from here.

There's still this fear that if I don't work out and don't really watch the types of food that I eat, that I'm going to gain it back...I've come too far to go back.

It Matters...

It Matters...
a poem dedicated to Officer Terry Polston

The time given
Many sacrifices made
Love freely flowing

Giant gentle arms
Embracing
Crushing
Full of grace
Full of love

Comforting others
during a valley of his own

Laughter rumbling
Completely filling
Smiles that overtake

Greatly missed
Always remembered
Legacies always
live on


Today was the memorial for OP...I cannot fathom what his family is going through. We rejoiced over his healing and being with Christ, but I miss his earthly presence. It was an honor to be able to be present at the memorial and see the honor that was bestowed upon this gentle giant who loved others and proves that it's the dash that counts on a headstone. I have never heard the final 1042 said upon the radios of emergency personnel and I am in awe of the dedication that these men and women have in serving others.

Good times

Today in reading workshop, I talked with the kids about how important it is to write down their predictions. I then read a book, Beware of the Frog, by William Bee. It's been a long time since I've really had this much fun with them. I wish you could have heard their giggles as I was reading...they were predicting all of the way and their laughter was contagious. It warmed my heart. I needed today with them.

Legacies

Our community lost an amazing soul today. Officer Terry Polston began a new life today. He lived a life of loving others, his family, and most importantly Jesus. I cannot even express how much of an impact this man's life had on our community.

After hearing about his death, I had to stop and think...is being single really all that bad? My small group girls (have had them for four years) were over tonight (they come every Tuesday night). We discussed OP (that's what everyone called him) and the impact that he had on many lives and I shared with the girls that lately it's just been really hard to be single. They then shared with me that they had talked another time when they were among themselves about how life might be different if I was married and had kids right now. Our impromptu get-togethers and sleepovers and Tuesday nights might not be an option. One of the girls even commented that they had talked about the fact that maybe I was single so I could be there for them. If that's what it is...then I am blessed! I was able to see some of the college kids while they were home on Thanksgiving break and had a quick hello at church. Many of them want to get together and have sushi while they are home.

I have to be honest. I have dwelled many days on why being single sucks. Most of my close girlfriends have had some big events occur in their lives lately and I haven't been able to connect well with them. I am just feeling alone. Seeing how Terry lived his life and reconnecting with these kids who are becoming tomorrow's adults reminds me that I have a purpose. I can love these kids and be involved in their lives while I am single. I can be an encouragement to them. I can be their raving fan. I can leave a legacy...if I am willing to surrender my own desires and throw myself at God's feet and allow Him to carry me through this life.