Friday, August 13, 2010

Why is it growing?

It's now been nine days since I have e-mailed my dad an apology letter meant for my step-mom. I know he received it...he just hadn't shown it to her as of last Saturday. However, I'm assuming by now he has (I haven't talked to him). I know that I can't do anything else to change the situation or change it. I know that I can't do anything more than what I've done already, but keep praying. However, I'm frustrated. This isn't right. Is what I did so bad that after apologizing, I still don't deserve to be talked to?

Growing up, I never had a great relationship with my dad. He married my first step-mom when I was in fifth grade. I liked her at first and then true colors came out. There were good times with her and there were others that I truly care to forget (and thank you God, tonight's one of the first times I'm recalling some of them - mostly just mean comments about my weight and my dad's weight). I didn't like how towards the end of their marriage how she treated my dad. I never really noticed that my dad drank a lot during this time of his life.

After they separated, he stopped drinking. And he hasn't had any since. I tell him every year how proud I am of him. He once told me he drank to numb the pain of being married to her. For this very reason (and past extended family abuse of alcohol), I try to not drink a lot. Especially when I'm upset.

My dad began to date my current step-mom. He became a different man. She has two daughters who about my sister's age. In fact, my sister was friends with the oldest and now they are sisters! My dad began to be involved in their lives. He helped the girls move into and out of college. He only visited me once during my freshman year. He began calling me to ask how life was. Before, I would have to be the one to call and then he'd complain that the phone didn't ring goes both ways!

I feel like I'm back to the old dad. I haven't heard from him all week and granted, I could call too. I don't want to call and have her be around and get upset and then make life harder for my dad. But then again, I hate that I am letting this ruin my relationship with my dad.

I guess I'm just stuck. I feel the anger becoming greater and greater daily in me. My dad is stuck in the middle and I'm trying to not let him be. I guess that's why I'm not calling. I feel bad that my sister is stuck listening to me vent about it daily. I am grateful for the bag that is now hanging in my basement...I've already had two kickboxing sessions.

Readers, thanks for listening...

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