Illusions...

My friend wrote on facebook that she felt I was one of the most selfless people she knows...so why am I writing to tell the blogging world about this? Because it feels like a lie. I'm not. I'm selfish...we all are. On Sunday, during a drive, I listened to a podcast about the illusion that we create, but God knows the truth. The truth is freeing...so why do I feel trapped? And I hate to even write about it here...simply because I have friends that read this and other people that I know read this and complete strangers read this. My greatest fear is that I write and share what goes on in my head and people take that vulnerability and share it with others. Part of my blog is dedicated to the process of who I am becoming and right now I don't know if what I am becoming is more of an illusion or if I am letting out the real me.

I was at a friend's house tonight and amongst many people. I wanted to crawl back into my safe hole of a house...so I did. I don't know if it's because I just need to be alone, but then again, maybe being alone is not what I need. I used to want to be the life of the party...now I could care less about large groups.

I chatted with a dear friend today and shared a huge struggle, but was unable to follow through on my end...control is not always good. Summer comes with positives and negatives...I have lots of time to do what I want to do, but on the other hand, I have lots of time for thinking and processing. I know I need it...I know it's painful...I know that the end result should be better than my current situation, but what that's going to be and when it'll occur, I have no idea.