Thursday, June 10, 2010

Spilling my guts

For those new readers, you're about to get a gutful (I know it's not a word). This summer I am going overseas (for the first time) to Honduras for a week long mission trip. Let's see...what am I anxious about? Let's list them.
  • flying
  • heat
  • humidity
  • flying
  • no air conditioning and traveling
  • flying
  • did I mention the flying?
To help with this, I have been visiting my counselor (saw her years ago when I went through natural weight loss to better my insides) and it's been helpful. However, tonight was tough. I went through so many Kleenexes that as I left the building and looked at my puffy eyes in the rearview mirror (wasn't driving yet), I noticed white bits left behind. Wow...that's a bunch of crying! In fact, I was so cried out I had no appetite and was emotionally exhausted.

Through tonight's session, we left with another possibility. Maybe my fear of flying isn't as big as my fear of appearing weak? Ever since I was young, crying was a sign of weakness. Missing my mom on the weekends while visiting my dad was weak. Showing vulnerability and talking about my emotions was met with a "get over it".

It's an interesting thought. I've always cared what people thought about me. In fact, I've cared too much. I'm reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity and also just began The Forgotten God by Francis Chan which is about the Holy Spirit.

I'll let you know how it plays out.

1 comment:

Live, Laugh, Love! said...

We are praying for you, Cathy!